The Tortoise and the Hare

You have probably heard a story fro= m a tortoise about how he once raced against a hare and won. That hare was my cousin, and yes, he did lose a race to a tortoise. The tortoise always said slow and steady wins the race, but what he really meant was cheaters always win. So here’s my cousin’s side of the story, the real story.

There once was this swift, quick, speedy hare. Oh yeah, he was also rather handso= me too, it runs in the family. He was the fastest animal in town, and he was q= uite modest as well. Only once in a while would he remind the other animals that= he was the fastest, best looking, smartest, coolest, smoothest, and most articulate animal around. All around good guy, you know? Everybody liked him wanted to be friends with him. All the girl hares wanted to be with him, ev= en the female foxes and hounds wanted a piece of him.

He liked to occasionally challenge other animals to races. Even though they ha= d no chance against someone as astonishing as him, he gladly raced with them. He= ck, he even went easy on them so they won’t look so bad. He also went eas= y on the animals that had the guts to challenge him to a race. Everyday he would= get several of these challenges. Sure, they tired him out, but he persisted and continued on.

When he came to town, everyone greeted him. Well, just about everyone except the tortoise and his friends. They were the local trouble-makers, always finding somebody new to pick on. They knew better to mess around with my cousin tho= ugh, but it was obvious they were jealous of his fame and how cool he was. Always talking about how one day old hare would meet his match. Yeah, right. So anyway, one day they finally got the nerve to challenge my cousin to a seri= es of races. Being the courteous guy he was, he accepted. That’s right, = eleven races, one after another.

As everyone knows, tortoises liked to play dirty. They’re just like that, you know? Can’t help themselves. I tried warning the fellow about tho= se old tortoise tricks. As usual, he didn’t listen to me. I can honestly tell you he should have when he was heading back home one evening. Tired fr= om work, he only ran about one-third of his normal speed, which was still pret= ty fast, ‘cause he’s just so fast like that. Right, so he was runn= ing back home one day, and then out of nowhere he trips on a rock. He swore to = me he never saw it coming up, and even more curious, the rock looked like a tortoise shell. Clearly the tortoise and his buddies were trying to sabotage the race by breaking his leg. Only then did he take my warning seriously and kept an eye out for any more of their tricks. I told him I was right. IR= 17;m always right.

So the day came for him to race tortoise and his ten friends. Now you would th= ink that’s a lot of races for someone to head into, but this was my cousi= n. Do I have to remind you about how great of a guy he is again?

Noon approached and he lin= ed up next to his first challenge: a stubby tortoise. What was he thinking? Hare won b= y a mile. Didn’t even bother to go easy on him. Hours passed and he just = kept knocking them out, one by one. It must have been humiliating for them. Hell, even I almost felt embarrassed for them; almost. Hare was getting just a li= ttle bit tired after the seventh race. He didn’t get enough sleep the night before. Said something about somebody grinding and hitting rocks against ea= ch other just outside his house.

But just like the rest, eight, nine, and ten were smashed on, and he was ready = for number eleven. By then, hare was breathing just a little hard. You could ba= rely hear it, honest. He must have lost his wits after all that racing though, because he accepted a glass of cold water from the tortoise.

Finally, the final race came, and for some reason he was feeling drowsy. Must’= ve been the evening sun. Just kidding, the water had sleeping powder in it I t= ell you. The tortoise cheated! So the flag was waved and the race began. Rabbit shot off as always, but he was getting a little nappy. Just the sun he thou= ght, it was just the sun. Oh yeah, and ten whole races. Who wouldn’t be ti= red? It’s amazing he got this far anyhow. He figured he deserved a little break you know? Just a short, little evening nap under the shade of a couple trees.

A few minutes of napping turned into a few hours. Hours and hours in fact. The sun began to set and he was still sleeping. Then, suddenly, an apple hit his head and he woke up. Being the genius that he was, he realized he overslept. Dashing for the finish line from where he napped, he could see the tortoise approaching it was well. God, that turtle was slow as hell. But with all his speed, good looks, and agility, my cousin could not overcome the distance between the turtle and the finish line. He lost. That’s not the impor= tant part anyhow. The important thing is that the tortoise cheated obviously. Clearly, the water was drugged that made my cousin fall asleep.

Yep, that’s how it all happened; honest. So in the end, the cheating tortoise won. I can’t believe he had the nerve to say “slow and steady w= ins the race.” My cousin was disgraced and our family name was put to sha= me.